I ran four miles. Again. I still can't believe that's something I can say.

So before I talk about my run this morning I want to talk about my weight. I used to weigh in at noon on Tuesdays because that was the one meeting that my favorite leader led that I could get to. When I took a nanny job on Tuesdays I went back to weighing in on Saturday mornings. I decided to weigh in yesterday because I had to be at work at 11:30 today on top of fitting in a four mile run. I weighed in at 2:30 and it turns out I gained 2 pounds. Again. I DON'T GET IT. I did EVERYTHING right this week. I exercised every single day, I ran a total of thirteen miles, I didn't drink any diet Pepsi, I limited my sugar, I ate a ton of fruits and vegetables, I wrote down everything I ate and stayed within my points and I still gained two pounds. My leader was trying to be helpful and told me some cockamamie spiel about how it's a "falacy" that muscle weighs more than fat but at I build muscle the muscle holds onto water. I don't trust a thing that she says.

After my initial FREAK OUT, I started to think about it and realized that weighing in first thing in the morning before eating anything is very different than weighing in at 2:30 in the afternoon. Also, I have been doing this training program for almost two weeks and I can already tell how my body is changing. My legs are stronger and thinner, my stomach is thinner, my face is healthy and I feel better than I can remember feeling in a very long time. And then I thought about what's important to me. Yes of course I want to not be 262 pounds anymore (SO MAD TO BE BACK IN THE 260s) but I would much rather be training for a half marathon because with every run that I finish I'm proving to myself that I can do the things I didn't think I could. So this morning at 8:30 in freezing weather I bundled myself off to the gym and ran four miles. I wish I could explain to you the feeling I had during my run. I ran the whole thing at a 4.5 mph pace and about ten minutes in I realized that 4.5 mph has become an easy pace for me. I very distinctly remember when running 4.1 mph felt like sprinting and such a huge accomplishment. Halfway through I thought about pushing myself and running faster but I was really enjoying the run, my legs felt strong and my breathing was good and I just wanted to continue at that pace. But it was such an emotional realization for me that running 4 miles at 4.5 mph felt good.

Training picks up in mileage this week. My Tuesday/Thursday runs are moving from 3 miles to 4 miles and my Saturday long run this week (and for the next three weeks) is 5 miles. I was thinking/worrying about running five miles but after this morning's run I'm actually looking forward to it. We'll see how I feel after running 4 miles twice this week but I'm excited to see how it goes. I'm also really looking forward to Spring. I can't wait to be able to run outside.

Here's a picture I took of myself after my run.

Midweek run

It snowed all day yesterday. I think we got something like ten inches yesterday though it could only be four, what do I know. I woke up this morning anticipating having to shovel my car out but was pleasantly surprised that it didn't seem to have snowed much after I got home last night. I ran three miles on the treadmill at a 4.5 pace and the last twenty minutes felt really tough. It's interesting, my breathing has been good and steady but my legs are really sore. The pain in my hip was there when I woke up but I didn't feel it as I was running. I have noticed that as I get to the end of three miles my left knee starts to bother me. It's just a little twinge and I hope the more I run the stronger my knee will get.

When I got to the gym this morning the sun was out and the sky was clear and a beautiful blue. Here's a picture:


On Sunday evening I made a big pot of vegetable soup in the crock pot. I used this recipe and I've had it for lunch all week. I'm going to make it again this weekend - it's really delicious and filling and hardly any Weight Watchers points. I usually eat it for lunch with a turkey wrap or two string cheeses, some kind of protein. If you like soup, I highly recommend trying this one.



And finally, because I took the time to "do" my hair and put on makeup, here's a picture of me:

Mid week update

I meant to write about this yesterday but it was such a busy day and I didn't get home until close to 11.

I ran three miles on the treadmill yesterday morning. I ran the first 20 minutes at 4.5 mph and I was feeling pretty great so I upped the speed to 4.7 mph and ran the last half at that pace. It felt a lot harder and I kept wanting to stop but I made it. Today my back and hip are bothering me and I'm hoping it goes away before my 3 miles tomorrow.

I was going to walk this morning but we had a snowstorm and I chose to stay in bed and sleep in. I ended up getting a fair amount of walking and exercise in from cleaning off my car and trudging to work through the snow.

This is a huge deal for me since I am so addicted to caffeine and diet soda but today is my fifth day without any diet Coke or diet Pepsi. It started completely by accident. On Saturday I realized at 7 pm that I had gone the whole day without any with hardly any thought towards it. So I decided to see if I could it for a second day. It was harder on Sunday and Monday - I had the worst headaches and I was really craving it. But I stuck to it, drank lots of water and today it's Wednesday and it's starting to feel a little easier. The headaches aren't as bad but it's the craving I get in the afternoon that's tough. I've brought lots of healthy snacks to work with me this week and that's been helping. I'm just aiming for one week at this point, any longer feels like too much to think about.

Something I was thinking about as I was running yesterday is now that I know what it feels like to run four miles, three miles doesn't seem as bad. I kept estimating how much time I had left and caught myself calculating for four miles instead of three. That's kind of fun, I never thought I'd say that.

The first week of training: I made it!

I decided to sleep in this morning instead of going to the gym before I had to babysit and then I went grocery shopping and by the time I got home it was after five which is when my gym closes on Sunday. It was finally warm enough to run outside so I headed out and was incredibly surprised by how amazing it felt. I definitely love running outside way more than on the treadmill. It was dark and I couldn't see much and it's definitely more challenging because of the ups and downs and jumping over puddles and my legs were sore from yesterday but I felt really strong and capable. My breathing has been really great and I can feel the muscles building in my legs and I feel like I'm finally understanding what my sister and brother love so much about running. I never thought my body could do the things I'm asking it to do and it's amazing to see.

I use the Run Keeper app on my phone to track my runs/walks when I'm outside. Here's a picture of my run this afternoon.



And here's a picture of me afterwards.



This time last Sunday I was sitting in bed thinking that I really wanted to work up the courage to run a half marathon. And now it's the end of the first week of training and I cannot believe that I've stuck to it so far. I'm really glad that (so far) I've been writing everything down because it will be amazing to look back on all of this when the half marathon is over and see where I started.

Week One Recap:
Monday: Rest
Tuesday: 3.01 miles in 40:14
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: 3.01 miles in 40:46
Friday: 30 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes walking.
Saturday: 4.04 miles in 54:02
Sunday: 3.12 miles in 40:10

Total mileage (running): 13.18 miles

In Weight Watchers news, I weighed in yesterday and was really disappointed to have gained two pounds. I was so hungry last week and I really just wanted to eat carbs and fat. I cried a little over the gain because in terms of running I worked harder than I have ever worked at anything in my life and I was really hoping to see a loss. However, I wasn't surprised. And now I'm letting it go. This is a new week and I have a kitchen full of fresh fruits and vegetables and I spent an hour this evening chopping everything and putting it into snack bags to take to work. I'm making crockpot vegetable soup for lunches. I feel better prepared to handle being hungry this week.

Four miles!

I didn't think I could do it but I did it. Yesterday was a scheduled rest/cross train day and I wanted to see if it would make a difference in how I felt today to do some kind of low impact exercise. So yesterday I walked on the treadmill for half an hour and did the elliptical for half an hour, both very slowly - I barely worked up a sweat. I don't know if it's just in my head but I really think it made a difference today. I felt so good. My legs felt really strong and my breathing was great. At about 3.5 miles my left knee started to hurt but I just kept going because over all I still felt pretty good. I think I could have kept going which makes me feel good about when I 'm going to have to run 5 miles in a couple of weeks.

Here's a picture I took of myself right when I reached 4 miles.



I think I'm going to try to do some kind of low impact exercise every "rest" day this week and see how I feel. I also need to find some good post run stretches to do.

Off to weigh in this morning. I'm feeling a little nervous about it just because I ate a lot this week. I was hungry all the time because of running and I wasn't well prepared. So tomorrow I'm going grocery shopping to stock up on healthy snacks for this week.

More training. I think I'm getting it.

Yesterday was a rest day but I wish I had gone for a walk or done some kind of low impact activity. Three miles was really challenging today and I wonder if doing something yesterday would have made a difference in how I felt today.

I ran at a 4.5 pace but at a mile and a half I felt really sluggish and like I wouldn't finish so I slowed to 4.3, ran at that pace for half a mile and was able to run the last full mile at 4.5. I had ten minutes left and I was really struggling, my breathing was really good but my legs felt like lead. I just started talking to myself in my head, things like "don't stop" and "you don't think you can do it but you can." It seemed to help and when I finished I was so proud of myself.

I walked for twenty minutes at a slow pace to catch my breath and cool down. I'm already worrying about running 4 miles on Saturday. The longest distance I've ever run is 5k but I think I'm looking forward to it. I keep proving to myself that I can do things I didn't think I could.

First official day of training

When my alarm went off this morning, I did not want to get up. I kept hitting snooze for about an hour. This is why I set my alarm for much earlier than it needs to be.

I was not looking forward to trying to run three miles but I kept reminding myself that it was okay to stop and walk if I needed to, that the point was to get the distance down.

I set the treadmill at 4.5 mph because that's a pretty comfortable pace for me. I can run 4.7 but the longest I've made it at that pace is twenty minutes and by then my legs were killing me and I was exhausted. So I ran, just focusing on two miles. I kept telling myself to get to two miles and then I could walk. By the time I hit two miles I still felt pretty good, so I kept going. And I ran the entire three miles without stopping. At 36 minutes, I cranked the treadmill up to 4.7 and ran at that pace for two minutes and then cranked it up to 5.0 for two minutes because I wanted to see if I could finish under 40. My goal for the Shamrock Shuffle 5k in March is under 40 minutes.

Here are a couple pictures of the treadmill as I was catching my breath. I feel amazing. Super hungry and my legs are sore but I am so proud of myself. It's just one day of a 21 week program, there's a long way to go, but I feel like I can do it.

Ready or not (definitely not)

One of my goals for this year is to run a half marathon. It's something that completely terrifies me because it's difficult and I don't like doing difficult things.

So because I'm so afraid I decided to register for the Fairfield Half Marathon on Sunday June 22nd. My brother Andy agreed to do it with me.

It's twenty-one weeks away, which according to many different training programs and runners and bloggers is definitely possible. However, I have yet to read of anyone attempting to train for a half marathon who is 258 pounds.

I was reading some advice from different bloggers and someone said that while she was training, for the first month she let herself stop and walk after each mile and after the first month she could go two miles at a time before she needed to stop and walk. Knowing that I could do it that way, that I didn't have to start out running a full three miles at a time, made it feel like something I could do. So my method going into this first week of training is to just get the mileage down, not worry about how fast I'm going or how much of it I walk. I cobbled together a training program based on a couple I found.

Week 1 (January 27th - February 2nd)
Monday: rest
Tuesday: 3 miles
Wednesday: rest or cross train
Thursday: 3 miles
Friday: rest or cross train
Saturday: 4 miles
Sunday: 3 miles

The rest of the schedule is here.

I'm terrified of saying this out loud and then failing. But I'm tired of not even trying.

In other news, Weight Watchers is going well. I feel like I've hit my stride. The fall was so crazy, up four pounds one week, down two the next and it was like that for three and a half months. It feels good to be losing again pretty consistently (it's only been two weeks but I'm counting it) and I feel really good. Since I've been running again I can already tell a difference in my body. Even though the scale isn't down a lot, the difference in my stomach is really noticeable.

Running is still such a challenge for me but there are times when I really find the zone and I feel really strong and my breathing is good and I'm not thinking about how many minutes I have left. So I'll keep doing it and hope that the longer I do it the more I'll like it.

In with a whisper.

Wow, I really have not been successful at this blogging thing. I would love to get into a habit of writing here regularly, but I just can't seem to commit to much of anything these days.

I thought it would be easy to get back on track with Weight Watchers and running after the holidays. A new year means a fresh start. But I've been bogged down in negative thinking, focusing on all the ways I failed to reach my goals during 2013. I thought I'd have lost more weight by the time December ended than I have, I thought I'd be further along in my running training than I am and instead of being proud of the things I have accomplished, I've been letting my negativity take over.

In 2013 I went from being 303 pounds when I joined Weight Watchers in May to 263 pounds. I need to feel proud of that fact.

I get overwhelmed very easily and right now I am overwhelmed by everything. I am overwhelmed by money woes and working two different jobs and potentially a third, and trying to find time and energy to go to the gym when it's minus ten degrees out and I am exhausted and freezing and trying to eat right but failing because I want cookies and pizza. And when I get overwhelmed. instead of taking small steps towards tackling everything, I tend to bury my head in the sand and ignore everything. So now it's the 13th of January and I weigh 266 pounds and I have done none of the things I said I was going to do when 2014 started.

What I know works for me is to talk about it so I'm hoping to get into a routine of blogging so I can sort out the mess in my head that weighs me down.

I've gone to the gym two days in a row, I've stayed within my Weight Watchers points for two days in a row and that's a better place to be in then last week when I hadn't exercised in days and couldn't stop eating everything.

I have two major goals for 2014.

I want to reach the goal I set for myself of losing a hundred pounds. My initial goal is 200, which would be a total loss of 103 pounds. I want to do it to prove to the super negative voice in my head that I can do it.

I want to complete a half marathon. On days like today when running for fifteen minutes felt impossible, I wonder if this is something I'll actually ever accomplish. I don't know. But I'd like to keep trying.

I do have a couple short term goals I've set for myself.

The first is to finally get my 50 pound charm from Weight Watchers. I've been in the 260s since September. I am tired of going up and down, I want to move forward and get out of the 260s for good.

I also want to run the Shamrock Shuffle again this year. It's the 5k race I completed in 2012, my very first 5k ever. I ran it in about 55 minutes. My goal this year is to run it in under 40 minutes. I've been doing some speed training at the gym. It's two months away and if I keep running and keep training, I'll be able to do it.

Other things I've been thinking about are taking on mini challenges, like seven days without sugar, seven days without soda, seven days without eating out. These are things I struggle with but that feel too overwhelming to try to do a longer challenge. I saw this somewhere on Tumblr.

Virgo: This year you will be able to float, you’ll be able to soar, you’ll have strength beyond anything you ever expected. This year you’ll be able to do anything you want. Focus on the steel in your bones and focus on the warmth in your heart. You have everything you’ll need to go big, to live well, to find a space for yourself in the world you most want to live in. Trust yourself and see where it takes you. Dream about colors. Grow plants on your porch, on your windowsill, in a quiet little pot on your desk.

It gave me the chills. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I don't tend to put much stock in horoscopes, my sister and I are both Virgos and we couldn't be more different. But this one made me feel like it was written for me. I'm ready.

Happy belated New Year. 2014 is going to be a good one.

Checking in. Wow it's been a long time.

I don't know why blogging, or rather blogging regularly, is so challenging for me. Maybe one day I'll get the hang of it.

I'm struggling a whole lot right now. This fall has been up and down on the scale. After having the summer to focus on Weight Watchers and exercise, I started working again (thankfully) but found it really challenging to work full time and find the energy to exercise and cook healthy meals.

I'm sitting at a total loss of about 38 pounds since May. The problem is I am unbelievably hard on myself and I am currently fairly depressed and all I can focus on is how it's only 38 pounds. Normally I try to focus on the positive but today happens to be a super negative day. It doesn't help that I've spent the last two weeks eating whatever I want and with the exception of a hike on Friday with my family, I haven't done any kind of exercise. I'm feeling very sorry for myself.

I'm not sure how to get myself out of this funk. I know why it's happening, it happens every year at this time, but I'm super conscious of it this year.

I'm going to try a little experiment this week because I am desperate to pull myself out of this. I'm going to pick three things (goals or what have you) to focus on for the day and try to let the rest of it go. I get very easily overwhelmed when I think about all the areas in my life I've let go. I start to feel panicky that there's no way I can do everything.

For the rest of the day, my goals are:

1. go grocery shopping after work.
2. take a shower.
3. prepare something for lunch to take with me to work tomorrow.

Of course there are a lot of other things that need taking care of, but given the way I've felt the last few weeks, getting overwhelmed and not doing anything instead of picking one or two things I can do, I'm going to just focus on doing three small things. And tomorrow, either before work or on my lunch break, I will make another list. I'm going to try this for the next seven days and see how it goes. Right now I'm feeling frantic to stop what feels like a downward spiral that's moving very quickly.

I'm going to try to make another post tonight as a check in for myself that I've done these things. I'll post a picture of one of the things I've completed.