Heavy thoughts

Here's what I've learned this week: When something bad in my family happens, I will punish myself for it. I don't know why I do it, or how to stop.

I got news on Wednesday regarding a sibling that sent me into a tailspin. A full-on panic that this life of stability and personal and professional success that I have painstakingly built for myself was going to be taken away from me. Probably not a rational reaction, however in my life when things are going well, usually the other shoe drops in a big way.

I'm not happy or proud that the last five days have involved me eating food that was terrible for me and not running at all. I am feeling a little better at the moment, a little like I can start to get up from this and keep moving forward. But what I've realized in my reaction this week is that when I react like that, I am punishing myself. Not running and eating to numb my emotional pain is really just making me suffer. That's all it is. It's not productive and it's not helpful. I think there's some part of me that feels I deserve to be unhappy. That I deserve the bad things that have happened and the sadness that occasionally overwhelms me.

I am writing this in the hopes that I can put it behind me and keep going.

Eight miles!

I ran eight miles. Holy moly. I RAN EIGHT MILES. WITHOUT STOPPING. I am currently lying in bed unable to move. My left knee is hurting, my hips hurt, my feet hurt and I have never felt more proud of myself.

It was in the upper forties today so after a really nice afternoon with my bff, I laced up my sneakers, bundled up in my new running shirt from my aunt and headed out. The reason I like running on the track (aside from it not being the treadmill) is that it's flat. I was worried about the distance - I knew it would be super tough and I wanted to make sure there weren't any hills. There's a stretch of road near my apartment that's fairly flat for the first mile so I went out and back four times. It got a little monotonous after the first hour but it was so nice to be running outside and so much better than running 104 laps on the indoor track. I'm actually surprised by how well the run went. I looked at my splits and couldn't believe my time. That's the average pace that I run on shorter runs, three miles and five miles. I cannot believe I was able to keep that pace steady for eight miles. My brother-in-law commented that my training is paying off and I really felt it today. I'm so proud of myself. Of course I wish I ran faster, I feel a little self-conscious about that, but I ran eight miles without stopping once and just four months ago I was struggling to run two miles. So I'm incredibly proud.

Here's a picture of me after:

End of week 8

After missing my long run last weekend, I was really determined to get back on track with training and sticking to the schedule as best I can. I ended up switching the scheduled Saturday and Sunday runs because I had to work yesterday and it just wasn't realistic to try and run seven miles. So I did Sunday's 2-3 miles yesterday (ran 2.75 after work in the wind. It felt really good) and I ran seven miles (SEVEN MILES OH MY GOODNESS) at the indoor track. The reason for choosing to run inside was partly because of the wind but mostly because I wanted to run on as flat a terrain as I could. It's 13 laps to a mile so 91 laps equals 7 miles. I had to stop at lap 60 because I was so dehydrated and I had to use the bathroom and my legs were like lead. It was maybe a five minute break and I was so proud of myself that I got right back to it for the remaining 31 laps despite how sore my legs were and how hungry I was feeling.



By now it's pretty clear that running is very emotional for me. There hasn't been a long run that I haven't cried either during or after. Today, however, I didn't just get a little teary, when I finished the last lap I was full on sobbing. I don't know if it was just a release of the stress or if it was completely un-related but I felt emotionally and physically drained.

Week Eight Recap:
Monday: Rest
Tuesday: 3.01 miles in 40:49
Wednesday: 5 miles in 73 minutes
Thursday: 1 mile (I wasn't feeling well)
Friday: rest
Saturday: 2.75 miles in 38 minutes
Sunday: 7 miles in just under an hour and forty minutes

Total mileage (running): 18.76 miles

I'm really happy to say that I feel like I've re-committed myself to Weight Watchers this week. I haven't eaten anything without writing it down. I've stayed within my points and I'm really looking forward to weighing in on Tuesday.

Getting back up (again)

I had one of those weekends that involved me saying to myself “I give up” a lot. I also said “I don’t want to do this anymore” a few times. It was the first weekend since I started training that I didn’t do my long run. I ate everything in the world. I didn’t do any kind of activity. I weighed in at Weight Watchers Saturday morning to see that in the two weeks since I’d last weighed in I had gained six pounds. I stood there for a second, pretending to myself that I was shocked, until I thought about it and remembered that not only had I not written down anything I’d eaten, I’d chosen to just eat whatever I want.

So I was not in a great place.

I pay 43.00 a month to go to Weight Watchers but I haven’t been taking advantage of the program the way I could. I vehemently dislike the Saturday morning leader (the only meeting I thought I was able to get to) and even if I did like her, 8:30 on Saturday morning is a ridiculously inconvenient time for a meeting when I have to run for an hour and a half or longer before I go to work at 12:45. I miss my meeting. I miss my leader. So I decided to do a little digging and see if I could cobble together a solution. I found that Weight Watchers opens at 9am on Tuesdays so I could go weigh in before I go watch the twins I nanny for and then come back for the 6pm meeting. It’s run by a leader I’d never met so yesterday I decided to give it a shot. I weighed in at the end of the day, however, because it just worked out that way. Since Saturday I was down a pound, even though it was the end of the day, so that made me feel better. As an aside, I knew before I weighed in last weekend that I’d gained weight. On Saturday my face was super blotchy and puffy and I didn’t look healthy and I felt terrible. Yesterday was also the first day in two weeks that I tracked what I ate and I put a lot of effort and thought into eating healthy. I weighed in, left my car in the parking lot and went and ran three miles. It was pretty hard. It was the first time since last Thursday that I ran. But it was a really nice day and I felt really good when it was done though my poor body was so sore.

I’m really happy with my decision to try the Tuesday meeting. The leader, Melanie, is one of those people you look at and think “what are you doing here?” because she’s so fit and healthy looking. And then I read her name tag and saw that she’s lost 90 pounds. That in and of itself was cool. But she was really welcoming and encouraging and she had lots of energy and she made me feel like it was okay that I was there which is hard to do when you walk into a room of twenty strangers. I spoke up at one point and the only man in the group welcomed me and said “this is a good meeting.” So I’m going to go back next week and I feel really inspired to get back up and keep going. I’ve been up and down since September and it’s so frustrating. I just want to keep moving forward, even if it’s tiny little steps, instead of a step forward and then several steps backwards.

Today I was up before seven and ran five miles at the indoor track at the gym where I work. In the past I’ve run that distance in about an hour and eight minutes. Today it was an hour and thirteen minutes but I finished and that was such a great feeling. My legs were so sore, my hip was hurting, and I did not want to keep going. Within the first five minutes I was bargaining with myself. “You can stop at three miles.” “Just make it to three miles.” I really thought I was going to stop but then three miles came and I just kept saying “you can stop at four miles.” And after mile four, it was silly to stop when I only had one more mile to go. I was feeling okay, I just didn’t want to be running anymore, and that seemed like a silly reason to stop when my legs felt okay and I was breathing fine.

I’m making little bargains with myself to get through this week. Things like eating healthy and within my points and then on the days that I run, letting myself have a treat worth the points I earned from my run. For example, I hate homemade minestrone soup and a turkey sandwich for dinner last night and used the twelve activity points I had earned from my run to have a McFlurry. In the past I would hoard my points and then use it to have an unhealthy meal and this way feels more balanced. I ate lots of fresh fruits and vegetables today, minestrone soup and carrots for lunch and used some of the twenty-two points I earned on my run this morning to have a brownie as a snack. I feel like it makes more sense to do it this way and it gives me a sense of control that I’ve been missing.

Before and now

It has been a very busy few weeks. I house sat for two weeks, worked 40 hours at my day job plus 15 hours each week babysitting and tried to make time for running and I was just feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm glad things are settling down a little. For the most part, even though I haven't been blogging about it, I have managed to keep up with my training. I missed last Thursday's run because I wasn't feeling well and for the last three weeks I haven't done a Sunday run, but I've kept up with the long runs despite being so busy and a little stressed. I have actually found myself making time to run and trying to put it first because it clears my head and makes me feel so good about myself that I miss it when I don't do it.

This morning I was exhausted and just couldn't find the energy to run before work so it was about 6:30pm by the time I made it to the gym. It's definitely easier (and less crowded) to run in the morning but I did it. This week the Tuesday/Thursday runs have gone from 4 miles to 5 miles. I'm really enjoying the way this training plan is laid out and am really amazed by how much my fitness has improved in the six weeks I've been doing this. I am feeling a little frustrated with my speed but right now my goal is distance, not speed. I'm already thinking about after the half marathon is over in june and picking a new race and training program with improving my speed as a goal.

Here's my treadmill photo from tonight:



I have been frustrated with my weight since I started running so I took three weeks off from weighing in, to try and just focus on the running and not the weight. I weighed in on Saturday and was pleased to see a loss.



Here's a "before and now" picture. I've been so focused on the number and being frustrated about how slow this process is that I decided to take a minute and be proud of how far I've come. The picture on the left was taken last year, April 27th 2013, about three weeks before I joined Weight Watchers, and the picture on the right was taken today. I think it's possible that the "before" picture is the least flattering picture ever taken of me. I guess it's a good "before" picture then.



Before I go stretch my tired legs and go to bed, I just want to thank everyone who reads my Facebook updates and blog posts. Thank you for your support, your kind words, your encouragement and your patience with my neverending selfies and treadmill photos. You get me through.

Time to get serious

Running is hard enough as it is, I don't know why I insist on making it harder for myself by eating terribly. I just ate junk yesterday and woke up feeling sluggish. But the sun was shining and the ice was sort of maybe starting to thaw so I decided to do my five miles outside instead of on the treadmill.

Before and After:



What I've learned so far about running longer distances than three miles is: the first two miles are the worst. I kept telling myself to just get to three miles and I could stop and walk for a few minutes. But somewhere around 2.5 miles I started to feel super strong and amazing and I didn't end up having to stop. My total average pace by that point was 13.58 but the last two and a half miles I felt so good that by the time my run was finished my total pace was 13.36. In fact, my last mile was the fastest by a full minute.



Here's a picture I took around the second mile:



I'm going to try something this week and blog my food log at the end of the day. Running is going well - I've learned that I can get up and go run even when I'm feeling terrible about myself and when I'm exhausted and cramping. So I need to re-focus on eating better. Imagine how good my five mile run will feel next week if I've eaten healthy food and not things that slow me down. So that's my goal for this week is to put effort into eating well.

I did it anyway

You know what? I don't want to do this anymore. The shine and novelty have worn off - it is week four and I do not want to do this anymore.

You know something else? I did it anyway. I have had a week away from my house, house sitting, and I used it as an excuse to eat terribly. Eating terribly made me feel terribly and made working up the energy and desire to run way more difficult than it needed to be. Then of course I started my period and I have terrible sadness/melancholy when I'm on my period and it was compounded by feeling physically and emotionally awful because of the way I've been eating so I woke up this morning and could not find the energy to go run. So I ate terrible food for lunch and spent five hours playing with babies and at 6:30 I got to the gym and forced myself to run. It was very hard. I had zero energy, my left leg was cramping and I had a stitch in my side. I stopped running at 20 minutes, walked for five minutes, and forced myself to run again until I had run a total of four miles at a 4.5 pace. My total mileage, with the walking, was 4.30 but I only counted the distance I ran.



Of course now I feel better than I've felt all day because running does that for me. It was hard and it hurt and doing it anyway felt so good. I came home, showered, put on my favorite fuzzy pink pajama pants and my favorite purple hoodie and I'm going to go to bed and hopefully wake up ready to keep going.

I have a playlist I listen to when I'm running. It's called my "Run Fast" playlist. My favorite song of the moment to listen to when I'm running is Fighter by Gym Class Heroes. Sometimes it comes on when I'm in the last five minutes of running and my body hurts and I'm tired and I don't want to be running anymore and it gives me that push I need to keep going.

Week three

I can't believe I didn't post about this yesterday but I ran five miles!!! I did it! I cannot believe it. Three weeks ago when I was thinking about signing up for a half marathon I didn't think I could run three miles consistently, let alone four miles and then five miles. This week four miles was my distance for my Tuesday/Thursday runs and by the time Saturday came around, I really felt like I could do it, like running five miles was doable. The only issue - aside from boredom - was my left knee. At about 3.75 miles it started to hurt and by the time the run was over and I was doing my cool-down walk, I was limping a bit. But I ran three miles today (crazy! In the freezing cold! Through puddles!) and my knee didn't bother me at all. I can feel my legs getting stronger. It's so exciting.

Week Three Recap:
Monday: Rest
Tuesday: 4.06 miles in 54:17
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: 4.06 miles in 54:20
Friday: Trudged a mile and a half through the snow to the bus stop. It counts.
Saturday: 5.01 miles in 54:11
Sunday: 3.02 miles in 41:13

Total mileage (running): 16.15

Here are some pictures from my week:


My run today. I was looking at my splits and saw that of the three miles, the first mile was the slowest. That's kind of cool to me for some reason, getting faster the longer I run instead of slower.


Babysitting in Lyme for a family with beautiful property.


Grocery shopping today. Look how healthy.


At work yesterday wearing my new favorite shirt. $3.59 at Old Navy. I love being able to wear Old Navy clothes.


Snowy Hanover on Valentine's Day.


Monday, wearing my new dress I bought with the Old Navy gift card Emily bought me for Christmas. I love this dress.

This one's a fighter

Yesterday morning I had my alarm set for 6:30 so I could get my four mile run in before going to my Tuesday job which is nannying for three month old twins. It is the highlight of my week, I wish I could do it full time. I hit snooze once but I was wide awake at 6:45. Did I get up and go to the gym? No, of course I didn’t. I stayed in bed until 9. However, I would like to very triumphantly say that I did go to the gym at 5pm, ran four miles in 54 minutes and realized why I like to go in the morning. There are way too many people at the gym after work. The run felt so good, I really felt like I could have run another mile. And before the run I was cranky and afterwards my mood had completely shifted. I don’t know if it was “runner’s high” or what but I felt so good.

I read a blog called Runs for Cookies. Katie is about my age and in 2009 she lost 125 pounds. She’s now an avid runner, she’s completed two marathons and countless half marathons. She posts almost every day and she has a lot of knowledge and experience to share. I’ve been wanting to reach out to her for a while but for some reason I just never emailed her. This weekend I decided to send her an email expressing my frustration about my weight going up the last two weeks despite all the running I’m doing, thinking she might have some insight. It turns out the Weight Watchers leader I spoke to on Friday afternoon isn’t as full of it as I thought. Katie pointed me to this post she wrote a few years ago when she started running again after recovering from surgery. I still feel frustrated but I don’t feel quite as terrible about the whole thing.

This is part of what she wrote to me:

”Most likely, your muscles are holding onto extra water because of the exercise (they need that water to store the glycogen in your muscles, which is what gives your muscles the energy to move). Extra movement = extra glycogen = extra water. I discovered that I'm always carrying around about 5-8 pounds of extra water... if I stop exercising completely for a week, I drop about 5-8 pounds! When I start exercising again, I gain it right back. But I know, logically, that it's just water weight, and has nothing to do with my body fat or the size of my body.”

So I learned something new, something important to know. She also said it could take a few weeks for my body to get used to running before I see a weight loss.

End of week two!

Alright, I am in a terrible mood. I'm feeling cranky about watching what I eat and running. I'm indulging in a pity party today, to be honest. So I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

I went to the gym this afternoon with three miles on the training plan. I walked for 15 minutes (I don't usually walk beforehand but I had just eaten a snack and was feeling like I needed to digest a little) then decided to see if I could run three miles at a 4.7 pace. Holy heck, it was really tough. I lasted two miles and then I just stopped. I should have slowed down and finished the three miles but I was just a mess, a cramp in my leg and my knee hurting and I felt sluggish and exhausted. I walked ten more minutes and called it quits. So I'm bummed with myself for not running the three miles on the schedule for today, but I'm going to count it as a success because I really, really did not want to run at all today - I kept having a conversation with myself talking myself in and out of going to the gym - and I ran at a pace that feels very tough for me. Also, the total distance with walking was 3.5 miles so I'm pretending it counts. Sort of.

Week Two Recap:
Monday: Walked 3 miles
Tuesday: 3.01 miles in 39:40
Wednesday: a total of 30 minutes of walking
Thursday: 3.03 miles in 40:33
Friday: Walked 3 miles
Saturday: 4.05 miles in 54:11
Sunday: 2 miles in 25:55

Total mileage (running): 12.09

I think I'm feeling really discouraged today. The frustration with my weight is settling in. This week I'm trying to just think about getting my runs in and try not to focus on the weight.