Heavy thoughts

Here's what I've learned this week: When something bad in my family happens, I will punish myself for it. I don't know why I do it, or how to stop.

I got news on Wednesday regarding a sibling that sent me into a tailspin. A full-on panic that this life of stability and personal and professional success that I have painstakingly built for myself was going to be taken away from me. Probably not a rational reaction, however in my life when things are going well, usually the other shoe drops in a big way.

I'm not happy or proud that the last five days have involved me eating food that was terrible for me and not running at all. I am feeling a little better at the moment, a little like I can start to get up from this and keep moving forward. But what I've realized in my reaction this week is that when I react like that, I am punishing myself. Not running and eating to numb my emotional pain is really just making me suffer. That's all it is. It's not productive and it's not helpful. I think there's some part of me that feels I deserve to be unhappy. That I deserve the bad things that have happened and the sadness that occasionally overwhelms me.

I am writing this in the hopes that I can put it behind me and keep going.