Sad things and heavy things

Tonight I had a panic attack for the first time since my mom died. It was sudden and unexpected and terrifying. Now that I've calmed down and recognized it for what it was, a delayed reaction to some family stuff, I can look at it and be grateful that I'm no longer in a place where I get them.

I had an emotional day and instead of doing the best thing for me, I ate too much. And now I feel full and sad and mad and guilty and tired and a whole mess of things that are making my head a little crazy.

It's hard to talk about but I need to put it down so I can let it go and wake up tomorrow and start over.

I tracked what I ate, I've used up all my weekly points so for the rest of the week I can't go over my daily target. That's okay, I can do that. I just need to let this go and start fresh tomorrow.

I feel really grateful for the place I'm in, emotionally. The panic attack took me back to the months after my mom died when I was having them regularly and when I came through it I could see just how far I've come and how much happier and emotionally healthy I am now. I'm glad for the clarity to recognize I ate over something that made me sad, that it only made me feel worse, and that I can start over and move on from it without throwing in the towel.

Yesterday was my thirty-second birthday and I found myself thinking about how happy I am these days, how much I like my life. I am nowhere near where I imagined I would be but I am very happy with where I am headed. I feel like that line from the Tim McGraw song, I'm not as good as I'm going to get, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm so much better than I used to be and I am so, so grateful for that.